Definitions.

sadistic - adj: deriving pleasure or sexual gratification from inflicting pain on another

pornography - noun: creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire

(source: dictionary.com; emphasis mine)

This weeks movie: Smokin' Aces (2007)

Rated: R (violence, gore, language, sexual situations, nudity, drug use, etc., etc.)

Actors/Actresses of note: Ben Affleck, Alicia Keyes, Andy Garcia

The plot is as follows: Buddy Israel is a mobster who is about to turn on his fellow mobsters, including mob boss Primo Sparazza. Given that the feds want him alive, the mob wants him dead, and the cops want him for parole violations, all sorts of people converge on a hotel in Reno to either take him out, or, well, take him out.

The review is as follows: Honestly I couldn't write this review at first as I couldn't finish the movie. But, for the sake of my journalistic integrity, I sat down for the last fifteen minutes or so, desperately hoping the movie redeemed itself. It didn't. This is porn for sadists. You've been warned.

It's bad enough that there are no likable characters in this film. But, being a movie full of base characters, this is almost expected. Still, doesn't help. Everyone, from the Ritalin-soaked ten-year-old karate kid to the three insane German hitmen, has no redeeming qualities. Either you didn't care for them one way or the other, or you wanted them dead. These characters do not a good movie make.

It also doesn't help that the name on top of the marquee (Affleck) plays a character whose sole purpose is to put forth exposition, then, much like Drew Barrymore's character in Scream, dies. The name shouldn't be there if he's not in the whole movie. Maybe that's more personal preference, but anyone going to this movie expecting Ben there in the final scene will be sorely disappointed.

Much like this review, the movie can't stay on one particular theme, genre, or idea for very long. At times it's a gore-filled snuff film, while at others it plays like something resembling a love story, and at other times it so desperately wants to be The Usual Suspects. Does it have a twist? Yes, actually, it has two. One is rather obvious, and the second doesn't really carry the impact that The Usual Suspects or The Sixth Sense did.

If there was anything redeeming about this movie, it's that Ryan Reynolds is actually good outside of the frat-boy sex comedy. Go fig.

Flotsam:

• Ryan Reynold's performance.

Jetsam:

• Everything else.

Final rating: 0 out of 5 bullet-ridden corpses. It's not worth watching.

-D out.

Teenagers or young adults? You decide.

I've decided to give this blog a meaning, a purpose, if you will, to keep me updating and keep you, my faithful two readers reading.

Today's movie: TMNT
Rated: PG (mild language, animated action violence, and some scary cartoon images)
(Voice) Actors and Actresses of note: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Patrick Stewart

So, for those of you who didn't grow up in the 90s like I did, or don't have children who are hooked on the remake, let me do a brief summary. Four turtles and a rat found their way into radioactive goo, grew to human size, and learned to be ninjas. As far fetched as it is, the writing of the old cartoon worked, which spawned three live action movies and countless video games and other merchandising.

Now, TMNT is the fourth movie to be made, but the first to do two things. Numero uno, this movie is done entirely in CGI. This really helps the turtles look and feel a bit more realistic, making the movie more believable than the live action counterparts. Secondly, this movie explores what happens to the Turtles after they've defeated arch-nemesis Shredder. Leonardo, the leader, goes to South America, and the rest of the Turtles have to live in a world in which they are no longer heroes. Donatello and Michelangelo take day jobs while Raphael continues fighting crime as the vigilante Nightwatcher. Raph also has issues with Leonardo leaving for such a long time, which adds a nice element of Turtle dis-union never really explored in the earlier movies or cartoon series. Supporting cast April O'Neil (Gellar) and Casey Jones have moved in together and are trying to "settle down."

So the plot is as follows: O'Neil is hired by international businessman Winters (Stewart) to find four statues, supposedly fellow warriors turned to stone 3000 years ago when Winters opened a portal to another plane of existence, in which doing two things, those being a) achieving immortality and b) unleashing thirteen monsters upon the world. Convoluted? Don't worry. It doesn't get in way of the action. The Turtles fight one of the monsters one night, and get pulled into the action.

Flotsam (that which is good, like treasure that washes up on a beach):

• Extended TMNT universe (post-Shredder)
• Good tension between Raph and Leo
• Excellent CGI
• Decent story resolution

Jetsam (that which should have been discarded):

• Donatello and Michelangelo were bit gag players
• No extended scenes of TMNT vs. Foot Clan

Final rating: 4 broken katana blades out of 5.

-D out.